Six months ago I was first told I had a tumor in my presacral area. (Today also happens to be my 39 1/2 birthday... six months to 40!). I think back to New Years Eve at a friend's party when I was completely unaware of the darkness living in my body, other then a realization that I was in a lot of physical pain. That was not unusual, however, so it didn't differentiate itself much to me. I often wish I could go back and be unaware and oblvious to what I know too well now.
This six months, without a doubt, have been the toughest time of my life. I don't have much good to say about them; if I had a chance I would certainly re-write the script and what I have experienced these last six months would not be included.
However, I have been blessed in many ways. In particular, the relationship I have with my Dad John has been completely transformed. Unfortunately, we both have a lot of physical problems in common, but our pain has allowed us to communicate to each other in a way that not a lot of people can understand - each of us understands what the other is going through, in a way. I feel closer to my Dad then I ever have before. For many years, both of us had issues communicating with the other, and there was a lot of resentment, at least on my part. The blessing is that I don't feel that way anymore.
The relationships I have with my entire family have changed. David and I have become better brothers and friends. My Father Mark continues to amaze me with his wisdom and love. He is by far the smartest person I know, much smarter then me, and that's saying something : ) I find we are very alike, scarily similar in many ways. He has gone through a lot and has the wisdom and scars to prove it.
Watching my Mom go through this with me has been very hard, because I know how powerless she is and how much it hurts her to see me in pain. I think it's easier to go through this then to watch it, because at least if you're going through it, you know how it feels. My Mom can only watch and hear me bitch about things.
So, I am blessed with wonderful family and friends whom I appreciate more then ever. But when it comes down to it, I'm the one who gets to go through it. No one else can do it for me, unfortunately. I don't know what the next six months will hold. Regardless, you will hear about it here.
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2 comments:
Dear Ben,
You take my breath away. Your wisdom, knowledge about yourself and your family constantly amazes me. I know there is a song that starts like this "In Times of Trouble", I can relate to what that actually means now in my life. I am impressed at your ability to find a common ground with all those that love you, and understand how they, we can and do hold on to the deepest dreams in our hearts for you.
It went by so quickly to me, but the months while Sam was in Chemo became the calendar of my life. If it was this week it meant that, or the next week meant this. And, my world moved in his time.
I hope in some way I can bring your Mother some comfort, just in the simularity of the circumstances. I do know we share that when your child hurts in any way, we hurt too and I am so comforted that you know this about her.
Steve amd I continue to be here for any support or help you might need. We think of you always. We will be there in September and hope we can see you then.
As always, with Love,
Gayle and Steve
Dear Ben Dear,
I have no words for the breathtaking entry you wrote, but I hope to find them anyhow. I would settle for a quarter of the wisdom you have at age 39-1/2 than I have at (creak groan) 84.
Did you know that with all of the pain and dark places you are experiencing you are nevertheless brightening the world for many people. This is an amazing achievement and it seems to come as naturally to you as breathing.
But underneath that "naturalness"
is the core of you--your compassion, your wisdom, your insight. God bless you, Ben.
Love all of the time,
Phyllis
All of us are soo proud of you, Ben
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