Update February 21st 2009

I'd prefer not to write this, but I have to get this onto paper, so to speak, or into the ether, and out of my head.

For the last two days, I've been in a really weird space emotionally. Physically, I feel fine, almost normal. After being on this chemo protocol for almost two weeks, I can honestly say this is the best I've felt. Aside from some very minor side effects such as skin irritation and some joint pain, I don't feel much different then when I was off chemo.

I've been in a good place emotionally, too. Now that I'm back on a chemo regimen that I can apparently handle OK, I'm not dreading the treatments or the after effects. I know that I'm on a small dose of everything and that it will be bumped up gradually. But for right now, everything is OK. That's lifted a great weight off my back and really cleared my head up, for the most part.

Starting yesterday, though, I woke up in a weird, uncomfortable place. I'm not really sure why. I don't really feel like seeing any of my friends or going out, even though I've had offers to go out last night and tonight. I feel like I want to shut out the world, not answer my phone, and just go away.

I'm trying to fight that urge to disappear. Usually, when I feel this way, there's an identifiable reason, such as being scared of the upcoming chemo treatment. That's not really an issue for me right now, so I'm not sure why I am feeling like this. It's one of those things I go through now and again, and at least writing about it gets it out of my head.