Update May 5th 2009

I question if I should write this update, because perhaps I am going to reveal something about myself that I don't want other people to know. But, it's one of those cases where I am moved to the point where I have to write. I don't have a choice.

I was reading an adult video news blog today that said a particular female star has decided not to do porn anymore. The background is she signed up for one of these reality TV shows that features rehabilitation and apparently this one focuses on sex addiction. It doesn't really matter how this person came to her decision; she's made it. And from this adult video news blog was a link to her own blog site, where apparently she is chronicling her experiences beginning a 12 step program. I read it. And was speechless.

It is an amazingly powerful thing when another human being shares their intimacy with you, particularly when what they are sharing is their own character flaws. Having watched this particular female on film in her adult character, and now reading about her the real person, going through what will no doubt be a difficult process, it is both inspiring and very sad. Inspiring because she is allowing us, her audience, to see her for the first time. And very sad because, by watching her, I in my own way contributed to where she is now.

I know several people involved in the adult film industry. All of them have major issues. Having gotten to know them as people, I could never watch one of their films again. There needs to be a separation of reality in order for the fantasy of an adult film to work. When the performers become real people, that separation is broken, and, at least for me, it doesn't work anymore.

Most of you know I have intimacy issues. Some of you may know that I have used pornography obsessively on occasion. Intellectually, I know that in order for me to have a fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship, I have to address the issues behind this. My first response is to say, "it's complicated." Well, of course it is, anything like this is, or it wouldn't be so hard to change. It's the final piece of the puzzle for me; overcoming and moving through and past this will be one of the final steps in my process of becoming a truly whole human being.

I wish this person the best of luck, and I will be reading her blog and perhaps even sending her my own thoughts and wishes as she begins down the road of recovery. Certainly the experience of reading her story made me look deep into a place I'd much rather not look right now and be inspired enough to write my own character flaws down and share them.

If any of the above offends or shocks you, sorry. I doubt anyone who knows me doesn't realize I have a problem. If you didn't know, well, now you know.