Update November 5th 2009

**I had to edit the title of this post because my blog got spammed.**

I title this update "I'm stupid" because one of the dumber things I do is look on the Internet for stories and links about my cancer, or anyone's cancer. Doing this is really bad for my mental health and I need to really not do it anymore. Unfortunately, like the addict I am, I can't seem to stay away.

I was reading about Internet memes (cultural phenomena spread online) and buried in the story was a link to Randy Pauch's "Last Lecture." I have been thinking about getting a copy of the book because his situation is sort of similar to mine (diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, given three to six months of time to live). Here is the first fallacy: NO ONE HAS SPECIFICALLY TOLD ME WHAT SORT OF TIME I HAVE LEFT. So the comparison to Randy is a bogus one. I can't compare myself to anyone because who really knows? So even putting myself in the same category and trying to get information based on the above fallacy is totally wrong.

The lecture is actually really good and worth checking out, regardless if you have cancer or not. For me, however, I need to stay away from anything like this, good or bad, because my mind goes to a very dark place. The fact is, I am scared about the future, and that I might die before I'm ready to go, and that that process will either be a long dragged out one, or, perhaps a very quick one. The reality is that I only have this moment, as I type these words, and nothing else. I have to constantly remind myself that what is is all I have, and that is pretty good right now, and the future will take care of itself. People die from cancer every day. People die from many things every day, and there is no guarantee that cancer will get me first. All I have is the moment.

I am trying to keep my mind from wandering (isn't that a line from a Beatles song? Fixing a Hole, I think. But I digress.) into dark places. As I said, I am scared. But in fact I have many reasons to be scared other then cancer, and those don't seem to bother me.

I am off to see Dr. Edward Wollen, the Neuroendocrine specialist at Cedars, tomorrow. Not particularly looking forward to it. Hopefully there will be an update after.