Obviously I haven't felt much like writing lately. I believe, when last we spoke, I was about to go to City of Hope. They are reviewing my case and presenting it to a board of oncologists for their collective opinions. They are supposed to get back to me this week. I have lost a great deal of faith in the medical profession and oncologists in particular. I know I have a rare type of cancer which presents itself in a strange way, but I really get the sense that none of these schmucks knows what they are doing. I think they guess, they don't really know. And I have been feeling that it doesn't really matter anyway; it's going to kill me no matter what they do. Whatever. We'll see what happens.
I've been in quite a bit of pain as of late. The tumor began to act up early last week causing tremendous, throbbing pain. I would describe it as someone heating up a fork and sticking it up my ass. I am still in some pain, although it's calmed down some. I feel bitter and disillusioned, and I am depressed. I sleep a lot. My appetite has gone down and I have to make myself eat (I am sure that amazes some of you). I'm not a very happy camper, as you can see. I'm trying to keep my sense of humor, but it aint easy, that's for sure.
I feel selfish writing a post like this because I know there are many people with far worse issues then I have; people with no family and no friends to support them through whatever they are going through. I at least have amazing support from my family and friends. That means a lot. I try to be grateful for what I do have, which is quite a bit. The cancer and my head overwhelm me sometimes and it makes everything look bad, but I have to try and see it's not, and it could be far worse.
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1 comment:
dear ben,
go easy on yourself. i know this is such a rough time for you and you are entitled to your feelings. i dont know anyone who could be a happy camper with what you're going thru.
much love and prayers.
maddy
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