Today was a good day. I felt good for most of it; no nausea and the fatigue is a little better. I even had a regular bowel movement. I'm beginning to get used to the neuropothy, although it's still a weird sensation.
Today I had a nice conversation with my cousin, Alison. As we were talking, I started to tell her how I had come to accept the fact that, despite all of the best efforts, this cancer could still kill me. This is a pretty macabre subject for anyone, but I think particularly so for family and friends. I think it's harder for someone to watch this then to be the one who actually goes though it, although going through it is no walk in the park either. The point is, I don't mean to make people uncomfortable when I talk about cancer and death. You can't really have a good conversation when that is the topic; I mean, what do you say to that? How does one respond? I guess, what I am trying to say is that maybe I need to not say certain things out loud; maybe those kinds of things are best kept to this blog rather then in casual conversation. But, I also need to say, I've accepted that I may die. I don't expect that is going to happen and I am not depressed as I was when I first was diagnosed. But I do understand that the bottom line is this is a deadly desease and if it so chooses it will kill me no matter what I do.
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2 comments:
Writing about the bottom line and talking about it may make someone uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean you should keep your feelings unspoken. I believe you are giving all of us permission to look at life (which includes death) with more acceptance. It is not your responsibility to protect me or anyone from discomfort.
Your honesty is a gift, no matter that I may weep. You, dear Ben, are a gift just as Uncle Eddie was a gift.
If I could exchangae places wtih you I would in a minute. However I doubt I'd have it in me to rise to the experience anywhere close to your grace and open heart.
I feel so much love for you and pride in you, Mom
You continue to amaze me with your insight and candidness...Is that a word? Please keep writing, feeling and expressing. The world needs more people like you.
Franne
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