I have never felt so hopeless since I began this journey eight months ago. Nothing specific has happened in terms of what the doctor has told me. I just began a course of standostatin which is designed to control my primary tumor. The shots make my stomach upset and gives me diarrhea. I feel worse when I get treatment (chemo, etc.) then when I don't, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. No one yet has been able to tell me when I can go back to work, or even stop doing chemo treatments. Everything the doctor gives me makes me sick.
I am not sure what I am going to do. I am in the process of trying to get a second opinion through a medical organization not affiliated with my doctor or hospital, so they can look at me with fresh eyes. That doesn't really affect how I feel right now.
I want to give up and stop everything. I am not sure if I even want to live any more. Everything seems too hard. I don't want to talk to anyone including my family. I have thought seriously about checking myself into a mental hospital as I feel as though I am losing my mind. I know you all have wonderful advice to give and want to be supportive, but I don't really want to hear what you have to say right now. I was going to block comments from this post, but that goes against the whole idea of this blog. I don't believe anyone can say anything that will make me feel better. I am not sure what I am going to do. I don't know if I can do anything that will make this go away. I have said that the day I lose my sense of humor is the day that they will put me in the ground. I am close to losing my sense of humor; in fact I don't think I have it anymore. I am tired of being sick in order to supposedly live longer. I don't think it's worth it anymore. Living five or ten years longer really isn't that big a deal to me right now if in order to achieve it I have to be sick.
1 comment:
Hi Ben
Sorry for not listening to your request not to reapond and going ahead with this message. Haven't written for a while and thought it looked like things were going okay as I was reading until the most recent posting.
We were so sorry to hear about the loss of your cousin. As to your feelings now, all I can say - and perhaps this will somehow appeal to your slumbering sense of humor - is to make sure you hold on until the election! And afterwards, of course since we expect many more accomplishments ahead. Please keep with you the affirming bonds that meant so much to us all at the wedding in June. And be well.
Love, Eileen & Ira
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