As I was randomly surfing the 'net I happened to come across a page featuring my old parliamentary debate coach. While I have some fond memories of my time debating, I was going through a lot of personal turmoil as well. I wasn't as socially apt as I am now, and there were some misunderstandings. We did not part on the best of terms. What amazed me is how quickly my mind took me right back to those days, with all the shame and resentment I still hold coming to the forefront. Instead of the person I am now, a person whom I like and accept and am proud of, I became that other person, shame-filled, angry, bitter. As though the person I am now never existed.
My photographic memory is both a gift and a curse. I remember everything; there is no filter. And much of what I remember, I would like to forget.
Here's the thing - I doubt he even remembers me. He certainly doesn't think about me, or if he does, he doesn't have the visceral reaction to his name that I had. Many of the people whom I still hold resentments against - my ex girlfriend, people I went to high school with, bosses I had in the past - I am sure they have moved on. I, on the other hand, still am filled with shame and anger which never was resolved and never has quite gone away.
Perhaps - perhaps this resentment is physically manifested in my tumor. I can't afford to have resentment at all; unresolved anger is a killer, along with regret. So perhaps my inability to forgive and forget stayed with me, and as I learn how to forgive and forget the tumor will shrink away. I don't want to be angry for things that happened decades ago, or to be angry at people who don't care enough about me that it would even matter to them. I like the person I am now. I feel proud to show him to the world. Maybe one day I can accept the past me in the same way.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Ben,
Each day or time I read your blogs, I wonder in amazement at your insight.
I know I don't have to say this to you, but considering that I am more than 1500 miles away, and have been gone from the L.A. area for more than 15 years, you just blow my mind....
Therapy in my life has always just been there, the thing I do to keep my life moving and solve the items that give me problems. But, I still would not be able to look at my failures (and maybe successes)with the same insight you have. Ben it just amazes me.
While my Mother was in a rest home, many times I wondered what she would be thinking about all day. Did she review her life, looking at the rights and wrongs. How come you are able to do this??
My fear is if I begin, will I ever be able to shut it off? I hope you can understand what i am trying to say. Your insight into yourself is where I want to be when I grow up.
I love you.
G
Hi Ben,
We're very glad to hear about the encouraging test results. And that you're getting out and about as best you can. It's great that you're able to take advantage of public transit in LA, as meager as it is. And I think it's also good to be in a vibrant neighborhood. Never know who/what might brighten your day.
As far as dealing with former incidences and their echoes in our lives - do you remember the song "Teach Your Children"? " ..ook at them and sigh - and know they love you." (it's a lot of fun on the guitar). Well, maybe the "knw they love you" part doesn't apply to non-relatives, but we really do have to just look at "them" and sigh and move on. Easy to say, not that easy to do. But do try, okay?
Scattered thundershowers in NY this weekend. We spent the day with Lauren & Carlos yesterday. Watched soccer today. Viva Espana!
Tonight - I Am Legend. Did you see it?
Hope you have a cool & easy week.
Love, Eileen & Ira
Post a Comment