As I readjust to being home and come down off of the high of the past weekend, I have begun to fear that the transformation I spoke about in my last post may be harder to sustain then I believed.
I am once again back at home, alone, going through my daily routine. After a weekend with such emotional highs for me it has been hard to be by myself and once again face the fact that next Monday I will start chemo again.
I have felt sad and lonely today, longing for the emotional connections that I received this weekend on a regular basis. I realize that I still have a long way to go before I achieve many of my goals. I still tend to isolate myself out of habit and what came so naturally to me over the weekend has become more difficult as I returned to my familiar environment.
This is a hard post for me to write. I started to write this in the morning and couldn't finish. I find myself censoring my words and not wanting to share with you my deep sadness at being alone again when I really am longing for some sort of partner in my life.
I never used to feel lonely; I prefered being by myself. Obviously something has happened to me that now moves me to want and crave connections with people in a new way. It is a hard thing to understand; I am observing myself and my life motivations change and it is both scary and wonderful.
2 comments:
Dear Ben,
Once again thank you for reminding all of us to see and hear with awareness - not to be forgotten the next moment or hour day....Your comments about your experience at David's wedding touch my heart and soul and I felt privileged just to read them.
Jetive is sitting next to me as I write this and she said to tell you that she had goosebumps as she read your blog and she wishes you well.
You are so loved, Ben.
Phyllis
Ben,
I haven't visited your blog in a while, but you never cease to amaze me with your honesty and insight.
You're amazing!
Franne
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