Update Labor Day September 7 2009

I feel much much better, almost normal but not quite. The paralyzing anxiety and fear have for the most part passed and I am not afraid to sleep anymore. Still, something has changed inside of me and I am not sure if I will look at things the same way. Since I have been diagnosed I have really not done anything except deal with my illness, with some exceptions like going to New York or San Francisco. I have spent quite a bit of time alone, which, for me, wasn't that big of a deal because I don't mind spending time by myself for the most part. Since my panic attack of Friday August 28th I have felt a real need to be with people and a loneliness that I haven't really experienced before. It doesn't feel as comfortable to me sitting by myself. Don't misunderstand, I still like to be by myself, but it's not as satisfying as it once was. Also, I feel like I need to finally do something with my life besides dealing with my illness and it's side effects: pain, fatigue, etc. which is a fulltime job in itself. I'm not sure where to start. I can't realistically go back to work and even if I could there are no jobs. I'm not really into going back to school. I guess I want to do something to feel like I am living for something and not just doing a day to day existance thing. I don't know where to start. I am sure Mom, Dad (squared) or someone else will have ideas, but the problem with me is that if they come from an outside source (particularly Mom) it is highly unlikely I will do them. It has to come from within me and I'm not sure what to do. Anyway - I am feeling better, which I am very grateful for.