More Random Thoughts

I have been reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous lately. I realize that I have the tools I need to get through whatever the future brings me. If there has ever been a time in my life where taking things "one day at a time" is more important, I don't know when it would be. Physically, my life is governed by the fear of the pain this thing causes me. It is totally unpredictable and there is no associated action that either brings it on or removes it. I could be sitting here right now, pain free, and in five minutes when I go to get up be in a lot of pain. Since there is no rhyme or reason, I obviously can't control it, so I've stopped trying to. Perhaps trying to control one's physical pain is a foreign concept to some. Perhaps it is obvious to many that sometimes, physical pain is not something within one's control. To me, I want to control everything, including managing my pain, and to abandon that concept is a hard thing.

I have also given up trying to manage the future, what my treatments will be like, and what the results might be. It is not for me to manage anything. I can only control what I am able to control, which is my attitude and outlook. Someone said to me today, "You seem to be handling this quite well." As I've said before, my mind simply cannot conceive of what has happened to me, so it shuts down. My handling of this situation is not a choice. My mind simply can't comprehend, so I don't even try. I just try to be where I am, keep my sense of humor, not be afraid, be grateful, and try not to go into the dark places my mind takes me (food, impulsive behavior, etc.). I have experienced fear and pain in my life. I realize now that I am equiped with the tools I need to not only survive this thing, but thrive.

Also, let me briefly clarify something: if I do have chordoma (which I was informed today they are not entirely sure I have), it is a slow growing tumor which is not going to kill me today, tomorrow, or this year. It will kill me eventually. But I am not making a "bucket list." The treatment is going to be a bitch, but it has to be done. I hope that this puts my situation into some perspective.