Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Telling The Truth
I have spent a lot of time trying to convince myself and others that I feel ok and that I am confident that everything is going to end up fine. Right now, the truth is I am scared shitless. I am frightened. I don't know what is going to happen to me, and I don't want to pretend like I am strong and confident anymore. I really don't want to be strong right now, I don't feel strong right now. Maybe in a few minutes I will feel strong again, but right now I can't handle this and I don't want to handle this anymore.
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3 comments:
Hey Ben,
its okay to be scared My dad had breast cancer whcih is rare in men.
He went through a lot of the emotions you did .
You just have to find your passion what is is it you realy love doing listening to, reading. What makes you forget about yourself?
Find that fasination and it will help you cope with a lot of the waitining around. Time is the true killer of men.
The fear never goes away but atleast you have the chance to hold it at bay for a while.
stay strong and remeber it is okay to be scared but don't let that define you
Your friend Sam
Hi Ben,
This is Andrea, Mom's close friend. I read your blog every day and it is a very emotional experience for me. It is awesome to realize how powerless we are when something like this happens. I want to reach into your body and do psychic surgery and remove this alien thing which doesn't belong there.
I know that you don't know me, but for years Mom keeps me abreast of your comings and goings like I do her with my son. So, I just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers every day and will continue to be.
Best,
Andrea Siegman
Ben,
Sometimes its so hard not to want to call you Benjy. I cannot pretend to understand your fears, but being the Mother of a child that had cancer, has left me with some unasked for wisdom that I never expected to have or want.
It would be so easy to say something that sounds like preaching, and the truth is that your own personal strength in being able to say that you are afraid and scared is a part of your power to get through this.
I told your Mom in a email the other day, that some days I prayed to God so much to take care of Sammy that I went deeply into myself in a way that was unthinkable for me. I needed strength and courage, but it was really Sam that had it.
It's ok to be exactly where you are and hopefully you can remember how much you are loved and how many people are saying prayers for you (probably in their own special way) but all our positive thoughts are coming to you.
I love you always,
Gayle
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