My uncle Eddie died of cancer in 2006. His cancer was different then mine. I have been thinking about him a lot lately, especially today. I spoke with my Aunt Vicki after seeing the doctor and finding out about the genetic mutation I carry. She is an amazing human being, not only because she really knows her stuff having been through chemotherapy and treatment with my uncle, but because she is so kind and so strong. When my uncle died I wrote her a letter basically telling her that I didn't have the words to express the sadness I felt, that I couldn't begin to imagine the pain of what she had to go through and it was pointless to even try. I felt inadequate because words and expressing myself through them is my strong suit. But there really were no words.
When I spoke to her the other day, I said, "I have words now. I didn't have them before but I have them now." God, this is so unfair. Not for me, but for her and for my family and for the other people who have to suffer while we go through this goddamn thing. I miss my uncle a lot. I hear his voice. I wish he was still here. I hope he is watching me and is taking care of me. I hope that he is proud of the way I am going through this, although I can never express the kind of strength he showed after he realized he was going to die. I hate that I have to go through this, and I hate that my family and friends have to watch, and I hate that the people I love have lost other people to this disease and have to watch me go through it, all the same kinds of stuff with all the same kinds of side effects, and know there is nothing really they can do, that they have to just depend on me to tell them how I feel and what the doctor says. And, at the same time, I am hopeful. I no longer believe I am going to die. I truely believe I will live and beat this goddamn thing. And I am grateful that I can appreciate life in a way I never did before. And grateful for the people in my life who love me.
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2 comments:
Ben, You take my breath away. I see Truth in all of it - every blog describing how you feel, when you are up, when you are down, when you are in between or roller coasting.
I am so grateful that you have that relationship with Aunt Vicki because everything I know about her (from your mom) sounds just as you put it: "So Strong and So Kind." And I am grateful that you had Uncle Eddie.
I understand about unfairness, Ben, perhaps in a different way than you do but I hope that helps just a tad or two to know that on some level I understand.
Love all oaf at the time,
Phyllis
You describe what love is.. hurting for our loved ones' pain more than we do for our own.
Uncle Eddie lives inside you as he lives inside me. He was always so proud of you. I feeel him looking down at us with that wisdom of his, that optimism, that giant heart, pulling strings in heaven just as he did in life. There was not a person he did not touch, whose life he did not make better just by virtue of knowing him. You are such a soul, Ben. You make us better just by daring to tell the truth. Mom
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