I feel hopeful. It's a strange feeling to have, because I haven't felt hopeful very much lately. I haven't allowed myself to think about the future, to dream about any possibilities, because I had no idea what the future would bring. I could only focus on what I had to do next, which usually involved some sort of test or a doctor's visit. Thinking about what my life could become was a luxury I couldn't afford, because I didn't know if I was going to have one.
Maybe I haven't been explicit in saying this, but I was scared shitless I was going to die. I knew intellectually all the doctors told me it was a slow growing tumor, but that doesn't matter. I thought my life was over, that I had reached the pinnacle of my growth as a person, and that I was going to die. I had a lot of regrets over things I wanted to do, but didn't. Most of them centered around my lack of social connection, which, until recently, had not been much of a priority in my life. In fact, as I look back, I believe I purposely cut myself off from a lot of social connections because of my fear of doing the wrong thing and being embarrassed. I know that the fact I am extremely overweight cut me off socially from a lot of things, and I believe that on some level my compulsion to overeat and not to address the issue was a conscious decision on my part to distance myself from having to be social.
I have changed as a person. I had been changing a lot before this thing came down, but I have changed even more as a result of this experience. As I have said to my family and friends, regret is the killer. I want to live my life with as little regret as possible. And part of living without regret for me is to go out, be social, and get a girlfriend. I really want one. Sounds stupid saying it, like I am some junior high schooler wishing for someone to go steady with. In a way, on some levels I am still in junior high school, even though I am 39 years old. I have almost no experience with women. I have to accept that.
4 comments:
Dearest Ben:
I talked with mom before. I am thrilled for you that you received such wonderful news today.
Ben reach for all of your dreams This is such a precious opportunity to know what you know. Most of us live our enire lives with unfulfilled wishes and fantasies. Grab every opportunity and make it happen Ben. If the love that is around you will guide you and hold you, you are already there.
Much love,
Sharon
Ben,
Hope is sometimes all we need :)
( just back from Israel)
know that I put a note in the Kotel (wailing wall) for you.
-Guy
( I hope we get to go out to many more breakfasts and maybe a movie soon enough! )
HaTikvah ( The Hope)- Israeli National Anthem,
http://songza.com/z/34m6pu
Translation-
As long as in the heart, within,
A Jewish soul is yearning,
And to the edges of the East, forward,
An eye gazes towards Zion,
Our hope is not yet lost,
The hope of two thousand years,
To be a free nation in our land,
The land of Zion and Jerusalem.
Dad and I are in a public place (the Apple Store in Farmer's Market) expressing a very private sentiment.
We learn from you daily. We are all behind in some things and ahead in others. Accepting this, is the trick. You have become an expert at this, while the rest of us lag behind, struggling in shame, hiding. Ben, we know you are on your way to achieving your dreams, while we stand back and watch in pride and awe.
Dearest Ben,
You are a true inspiration. I love that you want to inhale life and exhale your dreams. Everything has already been taken care of and turned out just as you hope for.
And so it is.........
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