I need to go to Las Vegas

Was just reading a story in the Los Angeles Times about upcoming events in Sin City... I need to go to Las Vegas. However, based on my last trip there, I need to go back there like I need a second head.

The last time I went to Las Vegas, I lost quite a bit of money playing craps. I won some money, too. The problem with me is, I win and I keep playing, and I end up giving it all back and then some.

Ideally, if I must go to Las Vegas, I should go with someone who will stop me from playing once I win money, or at least, stop me from going into debt. I think that would be quite a job for anyone, though. Probably best if I stay away from there, unfortunately. I admit, I have a gambling problem... whenever I gamble, I go a little nuts. I can't even bet on a football pool at work because I find myself getting crazy with the results. It stops being fun. I guess that's the definition of an addiction... it stops being fun.

Still and all, I want to go to Las Vegas. Would anyone like to pay for my trip?

Friday May 30th Update

I know it's been a while since I last updated. It's funny; when I am sick I have a lot to say, but when I am feeling somewhat normal, I don't. I'm feeling good these days. I've been out and about a lot and seeing a lot of friends and family. My brother's wedding is next week and I'm looking forward to that. Basically, it's all good for me right now.

What I am listening to version 4.0

Horace Silver, "Doing The Thing: The Horace Silver Quartet Live at the Village Gate"
edIT:,"Certified Air Raid Material"
The Doors, "The Soft Parade"
Beastie Boys, "License to Ill"
Kid Creole & The Coconuts, "Off The Coast of Me"
Marlena Shaw, "California Soul"
The Rolling Stones, "Some Girls"
Ed Rec Records, "EdBanger Volume 2"
Simian Mobile Disco, "Attack Sustain Decay Release"
Thelonious Monk, "Live In Paris, Volumes 1 & 2"
ZZ Top, "Tres Hombres"
Anton Ellis, "Soul of Jamaica"
Molotov, "Donde Jugaran Las Ninas"

Saturday May 24th Update

It has been a wonderful past few days. I am getting a taste of what life will be like once I am done with chemo and I cannot wait. I have been seeing a lot of friends, going out to lunch and dinner and having a wonderful time. Last night some friends from (name of company deleted) and I went over to Busby's, a sports bar on Wilshire Blvd. to watch the Laker game. The place was packed and very loud and we had a lot of fun. The food, however, left much to be desired. I had perhaps the worst cheeseburger I've ever eaten. I couldn't even take three bites. I don't know what they did with it but it was horrid. Overall it was a lot of fun seeing friends and meeting new ones, and the Lakers blew the Spurs out, so that was great.

Tuesday PM Update

Today I went over to (name of company deleted) to see my co-workers and have lunch. It was so great seeing my teammates and friends again. I work for an amazing company that really cares about me and my well being. The co-founder of the company, (co-founder's name deleted), took time out of his schedule to say hello to me and to ask me if there is anything I needed. I really appreciate everyone's concern over there and that they made me feel like I am still a part of (name of company deleted) success, even though I haven't worked there since the end of January. I can't wait to go back and become part of the incredible future (name of company deleted) is creating for media and advertising.

On a sadder note, my sincere condolences to Ted Kennedy and his family.

On a brighter note, did anyone see my boy John Lester throw a no-hitter for the Boston Red Sox? Way to go, my friend. You inspire me... to come back from cancer and perform at such a high physical level is what I aspire to do myself.

Monday PM Update

Feeling somewhat stronger overall. Today I went to Nordstrom and bought shoes for the wedding, as well as a pair of dress casuals. There is a marked difference in the experience of buying shoes now that I have lost weight. I had a hard time with simply sitting and trying on shoes before. Now, obviously, it's much easier, and the interaction I have with salespeople is also quite different. I am so pleased with the way I look now. I wouldn't recommend this as a weight loss regime, but it is one of a number of silver linings.

Sunday Update

I am feeling much, much better; but still not 100 percent. This was by far the hardest cycle of chemo to go through. I got sicker then I ever have before. I can't tell you how glad I am that I have a month to recover before I have to go back and get more treatment.

Once I get back, I'll do one treatment and then go in for cat scans and MRI's to determine how the treatment is affecting the tumors. The pain in my ass is pretty much gone now, although I still feel it a little at the end of the day, but nowhere near what it was like previously where I couldn't even sit down or stand up without feeling pain. I suppose that means the treatment is working, but we'll see.

I have to tell you my (mis)adventures with medical marijuana : ) As you may know, I qualify as a cancer patient to buy pot legally and use it to relieve my pain and my chemo symptoms. My oncologist suggested I try it because many of my chemo symptoms (nausea, fatigue, loss of sensation in hands and feet, nerve damage, etc.) supposedly can be dealt with by the use of marijuana. On Monday after my chemo, my doctor and I had a frank conversation about how to use it and what he recommended. I then went over to one of the local "buyers cooperative" to purchase my "medicine." I bought some edible marijuana as that was recommended by both my doctor and the sellers (I have no experience smoking pot and in any case with my asthma I couldn't do it anyway). The marijuana came in the form of cookies and a brownie. It cost me about $20. I took half a cookie when I got home, on an empty stomach. Well, I got sick as a dog!! I mean, I barfed all over the place, and I was stoned too, so I couldn't even stand up : ) That was my first and last adventure with medical marijuana. Apparently my system is not set up for that sort of thing...

I've heard wonderful things about marijuana and how it relieved many people's symptoms when nothing else would. It doesn't do that for me : )

More later.

I think the worst is over

I feel better today. The worst of the nausea seems to have passed, and although my stomach is still not feeling completely normal and my energy level is very low, in general I feel more human. This has been an incredibly difficult stretch for me. I was feeling really good so going back and doing chemo was very hard, and then the sickness was by far the worst I've experienced. Fortunately, I won't be doing chemo until the second week in June, so I have a month to recover and get strong.

I know you want me to write more, but to be honest I don't have all that much to say; or, rather, I have a lot to say, but no energy to sit and write it all down. At some point I'll try to give you a more comprehensive update with more insight into what is going on inside my head, but today is not that day : )

Thursday May 15 Update

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. Quite frankly, I've been very sick; the hardest it's ever been after a chemo treatment; so I haven't really been up to updating. I don't have that much to say, except that I am really glad I get to go for a while without getting chemo so I can recover.

Saturday PM Update

I had a very good day today. People have been asking me if the pain I felt previously has gone away or subsided at all, and I haven't been able to give a definitive answer. Well, I can say that that I am feeling much, much less overall pain. A day like today proves it: First going to West Hollywood to run errands; then over to the Grove for a movie; then home. I couldn't even sit comfortably in a movie theater this time a month ago. Even when I saw "Shine A Light" at the beginning of April, I was still in some pain. That pain has gone away.

The movie I saw was "Speed Racer" and I liked it. Visually it's like nothing I've ever seen; I'd describe it as a live action cartoon, if that makes sense. Although the movie seems to be marketed to a family audience (and there were plenty of kids in the audience, unfortunately), this is most certainly NOT a kids movie. I was surprised at the cursing throughout the movie, as well as the overall violence. For the most part, I was pleasantly surprised and I recommend it. PLEASE don't take your kids. If you are going to take your kids, for pete's sake SHUT THEM UP!!! One child cried throughout the entire movie. I wanted to tell the parents, take your godforsaken child out of the theater so the rest of us can enjoy the movie in peace! I kept my mouth shut... I like and subscribe to the WC Fields view of children: "I like children; particularly female children between 18 and 22 years of age..."

Saturday Update

Had a really nice time yesterday with my Dad (John) buying clothes. I've lost a lot of weight so it's really nice to get clothes that fit me properly. When I got home, I reorganized my closet and took out a lot of my older, bigger clothes. The best part is I can fit into stuff that I haven't been able to fit in for quite a while. Although I still need to shop at a big & tall store, I won't be shopping there long... I am already at a normal size in my shirts and my pant size is not far away.

Today I will be running some errands and going to see the movie "Speed Racer" over at the Grove...

Friday AM Update

Yesterday I was pretty tired; I slept a lot. That seems to be the pattern; when I'm out and about for a few days as I have been this week, inevitably I need a day to catch up and sleep.

Today I am going out with my Dad (John) to go clothes shopping, which I am really looking forward to.

PM Update for Wednesday

Today was a really good day. I feel so strong and so much better. It is also really bittersweet, because in the back of my mind, I know I have to go have chemo Monday and I'm going to feel sick all over again. Believe me when I tell you I am tempted to simply not go back. Just the thought of it really makes me sick. I honestly don't know how I am going to go back in Monday. I know I will, but it's going to be really hard to do.

I went to Santa Monica today to the Barnes & Noble on the 3rd Street Promenade. My Aunt Vicki sent me a gift certificate, and even though there's a location closer to my house (Santa Monica is a good 15 miles and an hour bus ride away), I decided to venture out, and I'm glad I did. First, I got some really great books:

"This Is New York" by M. Sassak, a picture book about New York from my childhood; Universe Publishing did a reprint of the book last year. I'm going to try and collect all of his books, which I fondly remember reading over and over as a child and imagining the different places he traveled to and captured;

"Slavery by Another Name" by Douglas A. Blackmon: A book detailing the forced labor situation in the American South between the Civil War and World War Two. Very chilling; combine Southern racism and Northern indifference and millions of black men were enslaved by an organized, government sanctioned, big business supported system of forced labor;

And the best for last:

"Transit Maps of the World" by Mark Ovenden. A collection of every transit system's map from across the world; from London to Tokyo and in between. My dream book. I've wanted a book like this since I was a little boy. When I saw this on the shelf, my first reaction was "No Way!" I could spend the whole day with my nose in this book, going over the maps and tracing them in my mind.

The weather in Santa Monica was overcast but not too cold. There were a lot of mothers with children in strollers. I had lunch on the Promenade and really enjoyed it. On a personal note, I think I looked pretty good in a sweater I haven't been able to properly fit in to for quite a while. I don't know exactly how much weight I've lost, but it's gotta be close to 140 pounds now since August.

Tuesday PM Update

Today was a good day. I felt good for most of it; no nausea and the fatigue is a little better. I even had a regular bowel movement. I'm beginning to get used to the neuropothy, although it's still a weird sensation.

Today I had a nice conversation with my cousin, Alison. As we were talking, I started to tell her how I had come to accept the fact that, despite all of the best efforts, this cancer could still kill me. This is a pretty macabre subject for anyone, but I think particularly so for family and friends. I think it's harder for someone to watch this then to be the one who actually goes though it, although going through it is no walk in the park either. The point is, I don't mean to make people uncomfortable when I talk about cancer and death. You can't really have a good conversation when that is the topic; I mean, what do you say to that? How does one respond? I guess, what I am trying to say is that maybe I need to not say certain things out loud; maybe those kinds of things are best kept to this blog rather then in casual conversation. But, I also need to say, I've accepted that I may die. I don't expect that is going to happen and I am not depressed as I was when I first was diagnosed. But I do understand that the bottom line is this is a deadly desease and if it so chooses it will kill me no matter what I do.

Tuesday AM Update

A short update this morning...

I feel a bit more human today. The nausea has disappeared but I am still tired. My appetite is a bit more. I can really feel the neuropothy especially in my left hand and fingers. I am losing sensation on and off and it's really quite annoying.

Sunday AM update

There are several of you who receive updates from this blog in e-mail form through your AOL accounts. AOL has decided that my blog is SPAM and has blocked you from receiving these updates. Why AOL made that decision is beyond me; but right now I am powerless to do anything about it. For the meantime, please read the blog directly and send your comments to my personal e-mail address.

Having cancer really makes life simple. It is no longer a matter of IF I want to do something (go to the movies, go out to breakfast, go for a walk, etc.), it's now a matter of CAN I do something (will my body let me). For instance, I decided to get up early this morning and go out to breakfast. For any normal, non sick person, this would be a pretty automatic decision; after all the breakfast place (Denny's) is only two blocks up and four blocks over, hardly a walk that would even cause a sweat. For me, however, it's not as simple as making the decision. I have to consider if I will get sick on the way; if I will get so tired I will have to sit down and rest; or even if I get there, will I be able to eat anything. However, sometimes you have to simply put your body in motion and damn all of the possibilities. I had to get out.

I successfuly made it to Denny's, ordered breakfast, and actually managed to eat some of it. I am really amazed at just how much my appitite has changed. What I used to be able to eat comfortably I simply cannot any more. My eyes are certainly bigger then my stomach. I say I probably eat less then half of what I used to eat. This is significant. Food has played such a central role in my life. I've spent my life overweight and, recently, significantly overweight. Now, I can't taste anything; and even so I can't eat it comfortably. So the relationship between me and food has been altered radically. My brain still says, "let's eat." But my body says, "nope." I tell you, it's a trip.

So I'm home now, ready to relax and try to enjoy the rest of the day.

Saturday Night Update

I was sick again last night, but not a lot. I did manage to get out today and go over to the Beverly Center for about an hour or two. At this point I am really frustrated by my fatigue and my lack of energy. It was such a beautiful day, I wanted to stay out longer, but I couldn't.

I have a lot to say, but when it comes to writing it down and putting it into words I find it to be very difficult. I'll try to write more over the next few days.

Update Friday May 2nd

A bit better today. I was very tired and somewhat nauseated but I did manage to get out late this afternoon.

My appetite is extremely poor. I am finding that my energy directly correlates with my eating on a regular basis (surprise, huh?). When I eat, I feel better. The problem is, I sometimes can't bring myself to eat. Funny, since food has been central to my life since I can remember. Oh, the irony of all this crap.

Update: Thursday AM

I'm feeling better today. I didn't really sleep all that well, but I am feeling a bit more human.

This whole reporting of symptoms is getting pretty old. I get sick, I get better. I get sick, I get better. If it's getting old to write about it, it's probably getting old to read about it too. I wish I could give you something more exciting, such as:

A little green man appeared at the foot of my bed last night. He waved his magic wand and suddenly I had two heads. I quickly got into an argument with myself over which head would face forward and which one would face backward. We decided to compromise and face to each side, whereupon I promptly ran into the wall getting out of my bed.

Anything other then, I feel better, I feel sick...