Being on Facebook has allowed me to connect with so many people from my past. Mostly, those people have been from my Highland Hall years, or co-workers at the various companies that I've been a part of. Today, however, I got jolted from a part of my past I'd much rather forget: Judson.
I won't go into the details about my experiences at Judson school, or why I wish to forget the experience ever happened. Suffice it to say that I try, on a daily basis, to forget what happened to me there, and the people who participated and allowed it to occur. The school is no longer there, it's a housing development; but I've been carrying Judson around inside of me since 1980.
Out of the blue, this person sends me a message on Facebook: "Hi, did you by any chance attend Judson School? I remember you from my yearbook." I don't remember this person at all, and honestly I was inclined not to reply, but I wrote back, "Yes. Not the happiest memories for me... I try to forget I attended."
Does this random Facebook person really remember me? If so, does he remember what happened to me while I was there? How, if he does remember, does he square that experience with the person he has become (I assume he's a well adjusted human being)? Why would you want to contact me if you do remember? To ask me how I am? To remember the great times we had there?
This experience makes me feel weird. The whole "out of the past" thing is weird enough without people from Judson contacting me.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Quick Update January 24th 2009
Lots to say but no real motivation to sit and write it out... enough to say I am really grateful for the people in my life. I can't thank you all enough.
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Facebook / Highland Hall Update January 13 2009
For the past few years, I've made it a point to avoid the "social network" sites such as My Space and Facebook. Some of my resistance to joining comes from my early Internet experiences on AOL, the memories of which I would now like to forget. Some of my resistance comes from the memories of my ex-girlfriend, who, when we began dating seriously, insisted I get myself a My Space page, link it to hers, and then proceeded to tell me exactly what she expected to see posted on it. (I deleted it when we broke up.) As a "sales professional" I've been on Linked In for a while; but whenever someone told me to sign up for Facebook (My Space was and is out of the question), I always said no.
About three weeks ago, I joined Facebook. When asked for my education background, I put Highland Hall class of '87. I always considered myself a Highland Hall alumnus, even though I actually graduated from another high school. And, wonder on wonders, there were others whom I knew. And, even more astonishing to me, some of these people actually wanted to know what was going on in my life. So, in the past 24 hours, I have connected with no less then five of my former schoolmates. Some of them might actually be reading this post.
I cut myself off from my past and people from my past for a long time. A lot of it had to do with my feelings of shame and embarrassment. Let's face it - I was a strange kid, and as an adult I was dishonest with many people, some of whom were former schoolmates trying to reach out to me at one point or another. I felt inadequate about what I accomplished in my life, and felt I had to pretend I was someone else; a better, shiner version of myself. It was a lie. I am who I am - and for the most part, I'm OK with the person I've become, flaws, gifts and all. So, to my former schoolmates who are reading this: I'm sorry. I should have been in touch sooner. And I wish I didn't hide myself from you. Forgive me, please. And let's talk.
About three weeks ago, I joined Facebook. When asked for my education background, I put Highland Hall class of '87. I always considered myself a Highland Hall alumnus, even though I actually graduated from another high school. And, wonder on wonders, there were others whom I knew. And, even more astonishing to me, some of these people actually wanted to know what was going on in my life. So, in the past 24 hours, I have connected with no less then five of my former schoolmates. Some of them might actually be reading this post.
I cut myself off from my past and people from my past for a long time. A lot of it had to do with my feelings of shame and embarrassment. Let's face it - I was a strange kid, and as an adult I was dishonest with many people, some of whom were former schoolmates trying to reach out to me at one point or another. I felt inadequate about what I accomplished in my life, and felt I had to pretend I was someone else; a better, shiner version of myself. It was a lie. I am who I am - and for the most part, I'm OK with the person I've become, flaws, gifts and all. So, to my former schoolmates who are reading this: I'm sorry. I should have been in touch sooner. And I wish I didn't hide myself from you. Forgive me, please. And let's talk.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Update January 11 2009
I have some really amazing family and friends who have gotten me through the last year. One of my closest friends is my buddy Lawrence, someone who I met working at Citysearch and who I have been friends with for almost five years.
It's important to understand an Asperger's definition of "friend." A "friend" to me can be someone who is a co-worker of mine who only knows me professionally, or, in the case of Lawrence, someone who I consider to be practically a brother. Friendship for me is not the same as for a "normal" person.
I haven't had many friends in my life, certainly no one who comes over to my house on a regular basis. I never felt comfortable with that. But for the last few weekends, Lawrence has come over to watch the football playoffs with me. We eat (I usually cook), shoot the shit and have a lot of fun. For many of you this is a normal situation but for me it is completely abnormal. I have been alone, except for family and professional ties, for most of my life, and certainly I have never had a 'best' friend.
Lawrence is as close to the definition of a best friend as I know. I love him and trust him, and he knows me when I have been at my worst. To have a friend like him in my life now is a gift which I truly appreciate.
It's important to understand an Asperger's definition of "friend." A "friend" to me can be someone who is a co-worker of mine who only knows me professionally, or, in the case of Lawrence, someone who I consider to be practically a brother. Friendship for me is not the same as for a "normal" person.
I haven't had many friends in my life, certainly no one who comes over to my house on a regular basis. I never felt comfortable with that. But for the last few weekends, Lawrence has come over to watch the football playoffs with me. We eat (I usually cook), shoot the shit and have a lot of fun. For many of you this is a normal situation but for me it is completely abnormal. I have been alone, except for family and professional ties, for most of my life, and certainly I have never had a 'best' friend.
Lawrence is as close to the definition of a best friend as I know. I love him and trust him, and he knows me when I have been at my worst. To have a friend like him in my life now is a gift which I truly appreciate.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Update January 9th 2009
This is a short update to let you know what will be happening the next few weeks in terms of my treatment:
Yesterday I went in to have my bone treatment (zumeta infusion; it takes the calcium from my blood and puts it into my bones to make them stronger). I'll be doing this regularly from now on.
Next week, I have a dedicated spine MRI at Ceders so we can get a better idea of the placement and progress of the primary tumor in my presacral area. The following week, I'll be meeting Dr. Randy Hecht at UCLA to go over my cancer and crones and see how that affects my cancer treatment.
That's it for now on the medical front. I'll probably post a more substantial update over the weekend.
Yesterday I went in to have my bone treatment (zumeta infusion; it takes the calcium from my blood and puts it into my bones to make them stronger). I'll be doing this regularly from now on.
Next week, I have a dedicated spine MRI at Ceders so we can get a better idea of the placement and progress of the primary tumor in my presacral area. The following week, I'll be meeting Dr. Randy Hecht at UCLA to go over my cancer and crones and see how that affects my cancer treatment.
That's it for now on the medical front. I'll probably post a more substantial update over the weekend.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Post Oncology Visit Update January 7th 2009
Here is the latest:
The cancer in my liver has grown and new spots are visible. From what I understand, the spot on my liver which was previously seen has grown in size from around one centimeter to two centimeters, and other spots have now materialized. There is cancer in my pelvic bone as well as in my ribs; although the cancer in my ribs is not that bad. The original tumor located between my pelvis and my rectum is extremely active. So, the bottom line is my cancer is worse, not better.
We all agree that I need treatment and that it should be aggressive; but as you know I can't tolerate the side effects. This could be from a number of things, but the most obvious concern is crones disease. So I will be connecting with a doctor from UCLA who is both a GI and an oncologist, and whom will hopefully understand my concerns and address them. I'll also be going in for a dedicated spine MRI as soon as possible. The concern here is possible paralysis as the tumor is on the spine and close to the nerve, as well as fracture. I'll be addressing my bone issues directly as part of an overall treatment plan.
Right now I need some time to digest what has happened. I don't feel so bad since I already knew the news was going to be poor. My spirits and humor are up and I am not sad, although I'm not particularly happy. I just am.
More as I know.
The cancer in my liver has grown and new spots are visible. From what I understand, the spot on my liver which was previously seen has grown in size from around one centimeter to two centimeters, and other spots have now materialized. There is cancer in my pelvic bone as well as in my ribs; although the cancer in my ribs is not that bad. The original tumor located between my pelvis and my rectum is extremely active. So, the bottom line is my cancer is worse, not better.
We all agree that I need treatment and that it should be aggressive; but as you know I can't tolerate the side effects. This could be from a number of things, but the most obvious concern is crones disease. So I will be connecting with a doctor from UCLA who is both a GI and an oncologist, and whom will hopefully understand my concerns and address them. I'll also be going in for a dedicated spine MRI as soon as possible. The concern here is possible paralysis as the tumor is on the spine and close to the nerve, as well as fracture. I'll be addressing my bone issues directly as part of an overall treatment plan.
Right now I need some time to digest what has happened. I don't feel so bad since I already knew the news was going to be poor. My spirits and humor are up and I am not sad, although I'm not particularly happy. I just am.
More as I know.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Update January 6th 2009
I'm not sure how to begin this post. The last few days have been hard with a lot of ups and downs. I ended up having a very pleasant weekend spent with friends and watching the football playoffs. I spent time with family as well. In the back of my mind though, despite the momentary good feelings, is this darkness of the disease, and the prospect of the treatment which lies ahead. I'm scared. Sometimes I sound like I'm OK and everything is holding together, but I tell my closest friends and family, and you, readers, that it is not. I am scared. I'm angry. I'm confused. And, my Father said to me, I'm in denial. All of those things. Normal, I am sure, but hard and taxing on the emotions. There isn't anything I can do about it, so I go on and try my best to enjoy. I will know more tomorrow. I just again want to say thank you to my friends and family who have given me their support during this time; I could not even get up in the morning without your help.
There's another topic I want to cover: Ray Ashton, the seminal guitarist for the proto-punk group The Stooges (or Iggy and the Stooges, as in Iggy Pop), died early this morning at his home in Michigan. It appears the death was from natural causes; the police say no foul play was indicated.
I have been a fan of The Stooges ever since I realized they influenced almost every band I ever loved. A major part of the Stooges sound came from Ray Ashton. If you listen to their first record, "The Stooges," with songs like "No Fun", "I Wanna Be Your Dog" and "T.V. Eye", you will hear directly how music changed from psychedelic to punk. Without the Stooges, there are no Ramones; with out the Ramones, there is no punk.
Rest In Peace, Ray. Thanks.
There's another topic I want to cover: Ray Ashton, the seminal guitarist for the proto-punk group The Stooges (or Iggy and the Stooges, as in Iggy Pop), died early this morning at his home in Michigan. It appears the death was from natural causes; the police say no foul play was indicated.
I have been a fan of The Stooges ever since I realized they influenced almost every band I ever loved. A major part of the Stooges sound came from Ray Ashton. If you listen to their first record, "The Stooges," with songs like "No Fun", "I Wanna Be Your Dog" and "T.V. Eye", you will hear directly how music changed from psychedelic to punk. Without the Stooges, there are no Ramones; with out the Ramones, there is no punk.
Rest In Peace, Ray. Thanks.
Friday, January 2, 2009
second update jaunary 2nd 2009
This morning when I wrote my update, I was overwhelmed and scared. After having some time to think, talking with my parents and other people, I am not so overwhelmed.
The bottom line is, my cancer has not gotten any better. It is spreading, and I need treatment. That really isn't anything new. I hoped that the results would be that it was either stable, or getting smaller; but it's not. So, I am back to Square One.
I don't know where we are going to go from here, but I don't think things are as dire as I expressed earlier this morning.
The bottom line is, my cancer has not gotten any better. It is spreading, and I need treatment. That really isn't anything new. I hoped that the results would be that it was either stable, or getting smaller; but it's not. So, I am back to Square One.
I don't know where we are going to go from here, but I don't think things are as dire as I expressed earlier this morning.
Update January 2nd 2009
My mind is still trying to comprehend the news I just received from my oncologist. From what the first set of scans said, my disease is getting worse, not better. It's spread. The cancer in my liver has gotten larger, and more of my bones are apparently affected as well. I'm going in to have some additional scans today, but the initial impression is that the overall prognosis is not good.
I am overwhelmed with sadness right now. I feel like I've been given a death sentence no matter what happens. I don't know what I am going to do. The proposal of another year of chemotherapy treatment is too much for me to swallow. In fact it appears that the chemotherapy will have to be significantly changed to an even more aggressive protocol; one which I have no doubt will lead to side effects of sickness. If I do nothing, of course, I will surely die. So my choices are not good on either side, or so I perceive right now.
I don't know anything. I don't know what I am going to do anymore.
I am overwhelmed with sadness right now. I feel like I've been given a death sentence no matter what happens. I don't know what I am going to do. The proposal of another year of chemotherapy treatment is too much for me to swallow. In fact it appears that the chemotherapy will have to be significantly changed to an even more aggressive protocol; one which I have no doubt will lead to side effects of sickness. If I do nothing, of course, I will surely die. So my choices are not good on either side, or so I perceive right now.
I don't know anything. I don't know what I am going to do anymore.
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