Update May 26 2009

It's been a while since last I updated...

I've been dealing with a flair up of crohn's disease which hit me fairly hard Saturday night. I'm feeling much better now and while this flair up sucked it was not the worse one I've had. Hopefully it has run its course and I will be back to normal, whatever that means.

Really not much is going on. Got a few doctors appointments this week and next and then it's on to the Big Apple, which I'm very much looking forward to, in case you couldn't tell :)

Hope all is well with you. 

Post Dodger Game Update May 19th 2009

Two posts in one day?!? The world must be coming to an end...

Went to the Dodger game, which they won. A very enjoyable game, for many reasons. Very entertaining, well played baseball, for one. A Dodger victory, for another. Entertaining people behind us, lawyers, apparently, from Toronto, from what I could surmise from their conversation as well as their Maple Leafs gear. Amazing how people can appear to be empathetic one second and amazingly self centered the next. They also spilled peanut shells all over my seat. Oh well. Great company in the form of my Dad. Probably the best time I've had at a ballgame; I was completely in the moment and relaxed. That I think says something about my overall state of mind.

Lawrence, if you're reading this, hope all is well. Sorry you couldn't make it; we'll do it again I'm sure. 

Time for an update update May 19th 2009

Hello all.

Physically, feeling very good. Still have some slight stomach pain which when it occurs is quite excruciating but fortunately goes away quickly. The GI doctor (gastrointerologist, for those of you not in the know) says this is normal and to expect it for a while. Still no answer on if/when I will start remicade. Probably not till I get back from the Big Apple, if then.

I am trying to resolve my Social Security disability situation and it is extremely frustrating. The good folks on the SSA phone line have no idea what they are doing and I am not at all confident that any information or status update they give me is in fact correct. Also, apparently I owe them some $13k for an overpayment; don't ask me how that happened. They sent me a waver form which is over 20 pages and which I have to return by June 12th. I only glanced at it; I just can't deal with that right now. Thank goodness I have a lawyer in the family. :)

Going to the Dodger game tonight. It's Jewish Community Night, which I imagine means they will only serve kosher Dodger dogs and Joe Torre and Tommy Lasorda will dovet at home plate. When anyone makes an error, Vin Scully will refer to it as "a farstinkener play". 

Expressing my gratitude Update May 14 2009

Woke up this morning feeling amazingly good. It's a beautiful day, I have Bob Marley playing, and it seems all is right with the world. I have been feeling like this more and more recently and it's certainly a welcome thing. I am not sure what to attribute this to but everything seems to be moving in the right direction. I'm gonna get out today and see what's what. Hope you are all feeling well!

Much gratitude and props to my HP for allowing me to wake up feeling good with a blank canvas on which to create the day ahead.

As always gratitude to amazing friends and family. 

General Update May 13 2009

Hello All :)

I went in to see my oncologist and have treatment yesterday. The treatment went well, although I got a bit sick from the sandostatin when I got home. It is an order of magnitude less then my previous treatments, however. I am feeling much better today, compared to previous treatments where it took me five to seven days to recover. 

David (my brother) came along to meet with the oncologist. The plan is to continue with the present regime of shots (standostatin) and pills (Xeloda) along with treatment for my bones (Zometa) and crohn's disease (Remicade, possibly; or something similar). When I get back from New York, I'll have another CAT scan and see where things are. If they are stable, we'll continue on this regime, and if not, there is a new drug recently approved (RADD-1) which the oncologist is very enthused about. Most likely I'll also go back on Avastin when I get back. Things are looking good and I am feeling very good.

Mother's Day May 10th 2009

Recently I cooked lunch for Mom. I consider myself to be a decent cook, but I don't think Mom realized I could cook, so it was quite a pleasant surprise for her. She encouraged me to cook more, to explore this part of my creative side. She asked me to make a Mother's Day brunch for her, which I did. On her request, here is the menu:

MOTHER'S DAY BRUNCH

MAY 10, 2009

CHEF BENJAMIN LEVINSON

APPITIZERS:

FRESH FRUIT

STRAWBERRIES, MELLONS

GRILLED PEACHES

VANILLIA BEAN PORT SAUCE

MAIN COURSES:

OLIVE OIL PANCAKES

CADBURY DARK CHOCOLATE

LEMON ZEST SYRUP

OMLETTES

ASSORTED CHEESES, MUSHROOMS, ROASTED GARLIC SALSA, BACON

VANILLA BEAN WHOLE ROASTED COFFEE

ORANGE JUICE, TOMATO JUICE

CHAMPAGNE

I am very happy with how things came out. Both Mom and Dad thought everything was delicious. Personally, I'm not sure what I'm impressed with most - that I made the meal as I envisioned it, or that I managed to clean everything up afterwards. Making this put me very much at the edge of my comfort zone; I've never cooked with port before and my pancake making skills need work. But I did it and I am so FREAKING proud of myself that I did!

Update May 5th 2009

I question if I should write this update, because perhaps I am going to reveal something about myself that I don't want other people to know. But, it's one of those cases where I am moved to the point where I have to write. I don't have a choice.

I was reading an adult video news blog today that said a particular female star has decided not to do porn anymore. The background is she signed up for one of these reality TV shows that features rehabilitation and apparently this one focuses on sex addiction. It doesn't really matter how this person came to her decision; she's made it. And from this adult video news blog was a link to her own blog site, where apparently she is chronicling her experiences beginning a 12 step program. I read it. And was speechless.

It is an amazingly powerful thing when another human being shares their intimacy with you, particularly when what they are sharing is their own character flaws. Having watched this particular female on film in her adult character, and now reading about her the real person, going through what will no doubt be a difficult process, it is both inspiring and very sad. Inspiring because she is allowing us, her audience, to see her for the first time. And very sad because, by watching her, I in my own way contributed to where she is now.

I know several people involved in the adult film industry. All of them have major issues. Having gotten to know them as people, I could never watch one of their films again. There needs to be a separation of reality in order for the fantasy of an adult film to work. When the performers become real people, that separation is broken, and, at least for me, it doesn't work anymore.

Most of you know I have intimacy issues. Some of you may know that I have used pornography obsessively on occasion. Intellectually, I know that in order for me to have a fulfilling emotional and sexual relationship, I have to address the issues behind this. My first response is to say, "it's complicated." Well, of course it is, anything like this is, or it wouldn't be so hard to change. It's the final piece of the puzzle for me; overcoming and moving through and past this will be one of the final steps in my process of becoming a truly whole human being.

I wish this person the best of luck, and I will be reading her blog and perhaps even sending her my own thoughts and wishes as she begins down the road of recovery. Certainly the experience of reading her story made me look deep into a place I'd much rather not look right now and be inspired enough to write my own character flaws down and share them.

If any of the above offends or shocks you, sorry. I doubt anyone who knows me doesn't realize I have a problem. If you didn't know, well, now you know.

Brief Update May 4th 2009

Just a small update to let you know what the latest news is...

I mentioned in one of my last posts I would be starting chemotherapy again this week. This has been modified slightly. I have started taking Xeloda, a pill form of chemotherapy, as of yesterday, in a very small dose. We will taper this up as things progress. As far as the Avastin goes, I won't start that until I get back from New York in June. Today, I will be seeing my GI doctor and it is likely I will start a medication called Remicade, which will be administered through an IV. As well, I'll be doing my ongoing doses of Zometa and Sandostatin, the former through IV and the other through an injection. I'm tapering down the steroids, and fortunately it looks like the wound I have is beginning to heal. That is the latest on the medical front; hopefully I didn't bore you all to death.

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.