Six Month Update: July 31, 2008

Six months ago I was first told I had a tumor in my presacral area. (Today also happens to be my 39 1/2 birthday... six months to 40!). I think back to New Years Eve at a friend's party when I was completely unaware of the darkness living in my body, other then a realization that I was in a lot of physical pain. That was not unusual, however, so it didn't differentiate itself much to me. I often wish I could go back and be unaware and oblvious to what I know too well now.

This six months, without a doubt, have been the toughest time of my life. I don't have much good to say about them; if I had a chance I would certainly re-write the script and what I have experienced these last six months would not be included.

However, I have been blessed in many ways. In particular, the relationship I have with my Dad John has been completely transformed. Unfortunately, we both have a lot of physical problems in common, but our pain has allowed us to communicate to each other in a way that not a lot of people can understand - each of us understands what the other is going through, in a way. I feel closer to my Dad then I ever have before. For many years, both of us had issues communicating with the other, and there was a lot of resentment, at least on my part. The blessing is that I don't feel that way anymore.

The relationships I have with my entire family have changed. David and I have become better brothers and friends. My Father Mark continues to amaze me with his wisdom and love. He is by far the smartest person I know, much smarter then me, and that's saying something : ) I find we are very alike, scarily similar in many ways. He has gone through a lot and has the wisdom and scars to prove it.

Watching my Mom go through this with me has been very hard, because I know how powerless she is and how much it hurts her to see me in pain. I think it's easier to go through this then to watch it, because at least if you're going through it, you know how it feels. My Mom can only watch and hear me bitch about things.

So, I am blessed with wonderful family and friends whom I appreciate more then ever. But when it comes down to it, I'm the one who gets to go through it. No one else can do it for me, unfortunately. I don't know what the next six months will hold. Regardless, you will hear about it here.

Sunday 7-27 update

Sorry I haven't updated this sooner. I guess the good news is that I feel relatively ok... I have not gotten nauseous this time around which was my major complaint the last few times, so that is good. I have been very tired. Over all, though, I can certainly tolerate this. I began taking standozstatin last week. This is a self-administered (shot) hormone designed to deal with my primary tumor and is one of the foundations of treatment for this kind of cancer. Eventually the majority of my treatment will be self-adminstered and done monthly or bi-monthly rather then weekly or bi-weekly as it is now.

Tuesday Post Chemo Update

I had the new, revamped chemo protocol yesterday, and I am pleased to say I have not been sick. I am tired and my skin hurts. My stomach hurts a little but no vomiting, which was my major concern. I can live with this. Tomorrow I will go in to have a dose of StandoStatin, which is a hormone treatment for my primary tumor. Eventually this will be self-administered once a month. The whole direction the treatment is moving toward is doing as much of the treatment at home self-administered rather then me spending several days at the doctors office.

Tuesday Night Update

As I mentioned in my last blog entry, I've been listening to Alan Cross' "History of Alternative Rock." It's reminded me of many albums, groups, and songs from my history which I've put aside; I have their music but I rarely listen to it actively anymore. The history's section on U2 got me listening to their music again, particularly the album "The Joshua Tree."

I've always been a U2 fan; not to the extent that I loved Springsteen (well, that love was a bit disturbed, to be honest. At one point in my life, I actually thought Springsteen was God's incarnate representative on Earth. But that is another story for another time.) but I was definitely a fan. In fact, I am probably one of the few people that saw them in completely different venues as they made their way to stardom: I saw them at the Hollywood Palladium, the Long Beach Arena, the Sports Arena, and the Coliseum, on their various tours of America. I clearly remember hearing "Where The Streets Have No Name" for the first time and being absolutely exhilarated. As I grew up and my musical tastes changed and morphed, I think I began taking their music for granted. I listened less and less and relied on my memory instead of actually putting their albums on.

I put The Joshua Tree on for the first time in a while today. The music hit me hard, and I remembered why I became a U2 fan. I couldn't believe how incredibly powerful the music is, even 21 years on. Listening to "Running To Stand Still" on the bus this afternoon, I nearly broke out in tears. I guess I never really heard the lyrics, or, more likely, my life experience has changed my perception of them and the emotion they elicit from me.

Music is incredibly important to me; it always has been. It is as important as food, water, and air. It connects me with others, and connects me with my Higher Power, God. I am blessed to have experienced the wonderful creativity of the bands who make me smile and cry.

Monday Night Update

I get in these funks where I don't really want to write or update the blog. I know you all want to know how I am feeling, what I am doing, am I sick, etc. Sometimes, I just don't have much to say; it's all pretty much the same. I go back in for chemo next Monday, so I am off for the rest of this week. I am hoping to get out some now that it seems to have cooled off and the humidity here is back to normal.

I will say that I have been listening to an amazing history of Alternative Rock by Alan Cross. I highly recommend it. Supposedly there are three volumes; I found volumes one and two on ITunes but no luck finding volume 3.

Thursday Update

Sorry it's been a while since I updated. I met with the doctor Tuesday along with a chemotherapy pharmacist to try to figure out why I got so sick so quickly during my treatment Monday. Basically, they think I have 'anticipatory nausea.' What this means is that my brain is anticipating a reaction and then I have one. The way they treat it is to give me IV Xanex and a very small amount of steroids just before the treatment, and supposedly that will calm down my head. It is, of course, possible I could get sick anyway (I do have a genetic issue with one of the drugs after all), and if that is the case, they won't treat me with that particular drug any more. So we will see. I go back on the 21st.

Chemo Update - Monday 7/7

There were some problems today. As you know, the doctor adjusted the protocol in the hopes of preventing me from getting sick. Normally I would get four chemo drugs: Avastin, Lucovorin, Oxcyloplatin and 5Fu (forgive me if I spelled the names wrong; it's not like most of you would know anyway). I have a genetic sensitivity to the 5Fu so instead of giving me the standard dose I get about 30 percent of that; very small, in other words. This time around I did not get oxcyloplatin since we thought that was what was making me sick; and it is the drug that produces other side effects such as neuropathy (loss of sensation in the hands) and sensitivity to cold. This time, when the 5Fu was being administered, I got sick immediately and fairly violently. So, right now the treatment has stopped while the doctor tries to figure out how to treat me without me getting sick. I will see him tomorrow and hopefully he will have a game plan as to how to move forward.

Sunday Night Update

First of all, your eyes are not deceiving you; I changed the format and layout of the blog. Do you like it? Prefer the old layout better? Let me know, please.

Tomorrow I go in for another chemo round. I am finding it difficult to get myself to lay down and sleep. I will admit I am nervous and scared about the outcome. I know that the doctor and everyone is doing everything they can to help me not be sick. That still doesn't comfort me, as I can't get the feeling of nausea out of my mind.

I spent a very nice afternoon with family and friend Melissa at the musical "Wicked" at the Pantages Theater in Hollywood. I enjoyed the show; the staging was excellent and the cast was great. We went to dinner afterwards and had a very nice time together. As a result of a bet between Melissa and myself, I now owe her a homecooked meal of her choice (I said that Kristin Chenoweth was in the Broadway cast of The Producers as Ula; it was actually Cady Huffman). I hope you don't get ptomaine poisoning after eating my meal, Mellisa : )

I'll try to update tomorrow, depending on how I feel.

My Morning So Far

Awoke to find my toilet completely plugged and unable to flush. This situation has become all too common these days as the various drugs I take affect my bowel habits and unfortunately the toilet is a low flush model which is not very effective for dealing with someone on chemotherapy. I didn't want to call a plumber since I just called one in last week and every time they come out it costs me around $60 bucks for a five minute job (my apartment building management will no longer pay to unclog my toilet as the clog is not a result of bad plumbing but rather excessive waste). So I went online and looked up ways to unplug a toilet. One of the recommendations was to fill the bowl up with water as fast as possible without overflowing it; and you know, it actually worked. Cool, huh? However, as I went to fill up my bucket with water from my bathtub, a large Jerusalem Cricket appeared at one end of the tub. For those not familliar with these types of crickets, they look like a large cockroach. Disgusting. I sent it to cricket heaven with a mop and lysol.

I hope the rest of my day is better.

ESPN's My Wish

All this week on ESPN's SportsCenter, children who have life threatening diseases are getting their sports wishes to come true, through the Make A Wish foundation. If you haven't had a chance to see these stories, you can watch them on SportsCenter or go to ESPN's website and view them on web video. They are inspiring. The Make A Wish foundation is an extremely worthy organization which gives children who have diseases such as cancer an opportunity to live out their wishes. If you are in a position to make a donation, please do so; or if you can donate time or resources, please consider doing that.