anxiety update August 28

I just had a major panic attack. It lasted about 15 minutes. I get these once in a while, usually connected with a medication I took, such as prednisone or percocyt. This one was unique in that I didn't take anything recently that should cause one, although I did just take my daily dose of prednisone (10 mgs, small). I changed my fentynal patch yesterday and although I doubled the dose, I don't believe that was the cause. I am OK now, I think. I tried to take deep breaths and distract myself by watching television. For those of you who have never experienced a panic attack, it is quite a scary thing. Particularly, because rationally / intelectually I know nothing is wrong, but my body is in complete "fight or flight" mode. I hope that it has passed.

MRI Update

As I mentioned before, I was unable to do the previously scheduled MRI (three plus hours in a tube with a neck collar on is not something I wanted to do without anesthesia). The new date will be sometime next week, once the oncologist and Ceders-Sinai can get the paperwork worked out. I will keep you posted.

post treatment annoying update August 25 2009

I had my monthly shot of standostatin and my monthly infusion of xeloda today. No real side effects other then feeling queasy and a bit annoyed and on edge. The later has increased throughout the day so now, at 7:26 pm, I am quite irritated with everyone and everything. Fortunately, there are drugs, which I can use and go to sleep with. Tomorrow will be a better day I am sure.

don't get in the mud with a pig update

There is an old saying, "Never get in the mud with a pig. You'll get dirty, and the pig likes it."

Today I made an unfortunate choice of responding to an article about health care and insurance reform. I won't mention the name of the paper's website, but it, like many others, encourage reader feedback. Unfortunately, civil discourse is trumphed by personal attacks. I try to stay away from even reading feedback about this subject, because I get so mad when people try to argue we don't need any reform. Unfortunately, today I did read and respond to an article. I told of my own experience with health care and insurance and my belief that those who are against reform either have no personal experience with critial disease, or do not know anyone personally who has experienced a critical disease. With my personal experience, it is clear that reform is needed because the system is broken badly.

I should have expected a personal response. It came within 30 seconds of my post, and it made me angry. I responded in kind; personal, angry. The kind of response I try to avoid and the kind of response that makes reader feedback a pointless exercise.

I can't take back what I said because there is no 'unpublish' filter. I wish I hadn't responded that way. I wish I had not wrote in the heat of anger. I wrote the editor in charge of the site and asked my comment to be removed because it was written in anger. I hope it is removed, and I hope to remember to stay away from those types of blogs that make me respond emotionally rather then logically.

Vanishing Point update August 24 2009

I DVR'ed a movie called Vanishing Point last night. It was made in the early 70's and supposedly a very influential movie for Quintin Tarrantino. In fact, the second car chase scene in "Death Proof" was essentially a homage to this movie. It's a movie that has a lot written about it and I was very excited to see it. Here are my thoughts:

The movie begins with Kowalski, the main character (we never know his last name) driving full speed toward a police roadblock set up to stop him. He pulls off the road to think, then gets back in his car and begins driving towards the roadblock. As he passes another car going the other way, the movie stops, and cuts to several days before. Kowalski is to deliver a white Dodge Chalanger from Denver to San Francisco. Along the way he runs into the Highway Patrol, and while he could stop, he decides not to yield. In flashbacks we are told that Kowalski has been a motorcycle driver, a stock car racer, a cop who stops his partner from raping an informant, and that he's lost the love of his life when she died. As he encounters more and more policemen and continues to run, his story is picked up by a blind DJ who is listening in on police scanner frequencies. The DJ decides that Kowalski is "the last American hero, freed by speed" and encourages him to run from the cops. Eventually, Kowalski runs into a roadblock he cannot escape from: two bulldozers blocking the road. The movie catches up with itself at this point, and Kowalski runs full speed into them, explodes in a fireball, and dies.

As in a lot of movies post Easy Rider, the story is very simple but the photography is amazing. The movie contains the best car chase action sequences I've ever seen. There really isn't a story; the story is the chase. There is no real explanation as to why Kowalski makes choices; he simply chooses not to stop, and that is enough. We are invited to place our own values onto the chase. Is Kowalski, in fact, the "last American hero"? Or, is he simply fed up with life and is out for suicide by cop? There is no definite answer.

I enjoyed watching this movie. I fast forwarded through some of it, but I didn't lose anything by doing that as the car chase action is what is central to the film. The action sequences, and the soundtrack, are quite good. I'm not sure if it will be on cable again, but I would recommend it, particularly if you are a fan of Tarrantino such as myself.

Update August 22nd 2009

I'm a feeling much better as far as pain goes. I'm not sure why but since I have increased my pain meds I am sure that has at least something to do with it.

I was not able to get the MRI done last night. The tech informed me I was to be inside the tube for more then three hours and I couldn't deal with it. They also had problems fitting me with a neck collar, which, if you've ever had one, is extremely uncomfortable and constricting. I will need to reschedule for when they can put me out with an anesthetic, hopefully this coming week.

I am going out to breakfast with friends this morning, so more as things develop.

Oncologist update August 20th 2009

Here is the latest news after my visit to the oncologist today:

I will be getting an MRI tomorrow afternoon. It is possible that the tumor is pressing on the spine enough to be causing the intense pain I have been feeling the past few days. Depending on how bad the situation is, I might get targeted radiation to treat the tumor site and thus relieve the pain; or, if it's really bad, I might have to go into the hospital for a more intensive treatment plan.

To relieve my pain immediately, the doctor has increased my dosage of both long acting and short acting medications. This will relieve my pain, but it will also have side effects of being sleepy and getting constipated. Unfortunately there is no way around it. I would rather be sleepy and constipated then be in pain all the time, so that's is that.

The doctor is working with Novartis to see what can be done in terms of paying for the new medication, afinitor. I'll keep you posted on that score.

More news as I know it.

I love that new computer smell update 8-18-2009

I got a new computer yesterday, courtesy of my folks and my brother. My old one was six years old, practically Methuselah in terms of technology, and it was on its last legs. The new one is a sleek, sexy, powerful beast with a nice new Intel i7 chip in it and a very nice ATI graphics card. It's quite quick off the line and will allow me to run some programs I was not able to run before, so I am pleased.

Unfortunately, I am also in almost constant pain these days. Thank God for pain medications or I don't know what I would do. The side effect of being on pain killers is one, I am sleepwalking through life, and, two, I am constipated (opiates will do that to you). I'm not so concerned about the later, but the former is really annoying. This coming Thursday my folks and I will be meeting with my oncologist to see if there is anything that can be done to deal with the pain I am in.

I have been feeling extremely grateful despite the pain. I am so fortunate to have family, friends and others who care about me, and that is worth more then anything else. I am in physical pain, but I continue to be rich beyond measure.

Lapse in updating update August 15 2009

I know I haven't been updating regularly, and that there are substantial gaps in when I update. I have been dealing with various types of pain for a while, some of which make it difficult to sit down on my computer chair for anything longer then a minute. Fortunately, there may be a solution. I got a pillow from Relax The Back and it seems to be doing the job, or, at least I am less in pain. We'll see how it goes. A long term solution might be a new chair and new padding underneath.

It really sucks to be in pain. I don't have that much to say right now, except that I am so grateful for my family and friends.

Update August 3rd 2009

A quick update to let you all know what's going on:

I've been on the new medication, afinitor, for about two weeks, and so far so good. Lot's of fatigue and loss of appetite, but no stomach or bowel related side effects.

On the insurance front, I have an appointment tomorrow with an advocacy group which specializes in Medicare and long term disability. I'll let you know how it goes.

Went to see a great musical production over the weekend, "The Best is Yet to Come: A Tribute to Cy Colman" at the Rubicon Theater in Ventura. I was very surprised; I thought it would be a show with local talent or perhaps community college folks, but everyone in the cast was Broadway quality, and quite a few have won Tonys. I believe it's closed now, but it's a great show if you get a chance to see it.