Post Chemo Update March 23 2009

Chemo was not so bad. The anticipation of it is horrible, but doing it, once one is going through the motions, is not nearly as bad as the anticipation of doing it. It helped a lot that I sat next to someone who was new at chemo and who himself was nervous. I was able to offer him support and guidance and that was wonderful. He was an interesting person and I hope to meet him again. I meet very interesting people at chemo. Certainly they completely understand what I am going through in a way others do not. Some of them have been doing this regularly for years and have an immense amount of experience, which they offer to me when I ask for it. Not a whole lot of them have the type of cancer I have (in fact I have never met anyone with the specific type of cancer I have, at chemo at least), but as they all go through chemotherapy they know the process and pass on how to deal. It was good for me to be able to do that for someone else and it kept me out of myself and occupied during the time I was there.

Sunday Update March 22nd 2009

I know a lot of you were concerned over my last post expressing my depression. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's the same, and sometimes it's worse. This is a test of faith and I am being tested in a way I never could have imagined. I won't pretend that sometimes I have no faith at all. I believe in a higher power but there are times I doubt or question. I try to keep my life simple and take pleasure where I can find it, and have gratitude for what I have, which is a hell of a lot. It's hard for me to see that this is worth something, that on the other side of this madness there will be goodness and a worthwhile life. I know that I have goodness in my life right now and that my life is worthwhile right now, but when I am in the middle of a question of faith things get confusing. Sometimes the pain is mental and sometimes it's physical. Certainly spiritually I am in a lot of pain because my faith is being tested. I want this madness to end in whatever way it can.

I know this is a very allegorical post (is that the correct way to describe it? Metaphoric, maybe?) but that's how I'm feeling and writing right now.

Blah Blah Blah 3-16-2009

Obviously I haven't felt much like writing lately. I believe, when last we spoke, I was about to go to City of Hope. They are reviewing my case and presenting it to a board of oncologists for their collective opinions. They are supposed to get back to me this week. I have lost a great deal of faith in the medical profession and oncologists in particular. I know I have a rare type of cancer which presents itself in a strange way, but I really get the sense that none of these schmucks knows what they are doing. I think they guess, they don't really know. And I have been feeling that it doesn't really matter anyway; it's going to kill me no matter what they do. Whatever. We'll see what happens.

I've been in quite a bit of pain as of late. The tumor began to act up early last week causing tremendous, throbbing pain. I would describe it as someone heating up a fork and sticking it up my ass. I am still in some pain, although it's calmed down some. I feel bitter and disillusioned, and I am depressed. I sleep a lot. My appetite has gone down and I have to make myself eat (I am sure that amazes some of you). I'm not a very happy camper, as you can see. I'm trying to keep my sense of humor, but it aint easy, that's for sure.

I feel selfish writing a post like this because I know there are many people with far worse issues then I have; people with no family and no friends to support them through whatever they are going through. I at least have amazing support from my family and friends. That means a lot. I try to be grateful for what I do have, which is quite a bit. The cancer and my head overwhelm me sometimes and it makes everything look bad, but I have to try and see it's not, and it could be far worse.

Update March 4th 2009

I'm not going to write a whole lot this update. First, I feel generally OK. The main side effect, as I've mentioned before, is extreme fatigue. That has gotten somewhat better but when it hits it is overwhelming. Other then that, I don't really feel too bad.

I am going to City of Hope tomorrow and I will post an update here if there is any news to report.

I am so incredibly lucky to have my family and my friends. For such a long time, I either didn't appreciate what I had or took it for granted. The older I get the more I realize that family is EVERYTHING. I wouldn't be here without my family. I also have incredible friends. Lately I have been connecting with more and more people from my past via Facebook. It's really opened up a whole new aspect of connections for me.