Recomendation: Lenny Bruce is OUT again

Just downloaded this amazing Lenny Bruce album from ITunes... I am not sure if it is from one show (I doubt it since every track is a classic; it's probably a compilation); for $10 it's absolutely worth getting your hands on.

Lenny Bruce speaks the truth, and he makes me laugh my ass off.

Sunday Update

Yesterday I went to a party at one of my co-workers. It was nice to be out and to see people I know, but I was really tired and I ended up leaving early. I took the subway home from North Hollywood. I was amazed at how many people were on the train at 9pm and how much street traffic there was in my neighborhood. I think the street was more crowded at 10:30 then during the day. Living in an urban area (urban for Los Angeles anyway) is one of the most attractive aspects of my neighborhood; however I was also reminded that I really am a foreigner here. Almost all of the street traffic was either in Korean or Spanish. I forget that I am a minority.

Late Night Update

As I was randomly surfing the 'net I happened to come across a page featuring my old parliamentary debate coach. While I have some fond memories of my time debating, I was going through a lot of personal turmoil as well. I wasn't as socially apt as I am now, and there were some misunderstandings. We did not part on the best of terms. What amazed me is how quickly my mind took me right back to those days, with all the shame and resentment I still hold coming to the forefront. Instead of the person I am now, a person whom I like and accept and am proud of, I became that other person, shame-filled, angry, bitter. As though the person I am now never existed.

My photographic memory is both a gift and a curse. I remember everything; there is no filter. And much of what I remember, I would like to forget.

Here's the thing - I doubt he even remembers me. He certainly doesn't think about me, or if he does, he doesn't have the visceral reaction to his name that I had. Many of the people whom I still hold resentments against - my ex girlfriend, people I went to high school with, bosses I had in the past - I am sure they have moved on. I, on the other hand, still am filled with shame and anger which never was resolved and never has quite gone away.

Perhaps - perhaps this resentment is physically manifested in my tumor. I can't afford to have resentment at all; unresolved anger is a killer, along with regret. So perhaps my inability to forgive and forget stayed with me, and as I learn how to forgive and forget the tumor will shrink away. I don't want to be angry for things that happened decades ago, or to be angry at people who don't care enough about me that it would even matter to them. I like the person I am now. I feel proud to show him to the world. Maybe one day I can accept the past me in the same way.

Thursday Morning Update

I'm feeling much much better today. This is the longest its taken for me to recover from a chemo treatment and so I will be taking an extra week off so that my body can completely heal.

I saw on the news today that a single mother of two in Palm Beach Florida is auctioning her house and herself as a bride on e-bay... that is kind of frightening to me. I'm not sure if I would ever get that desperate to find a mate. You have to really question someones motives in that situation... she's not that bad looking, I am surprised she hasn't been able to find someone in a more conventional manner. I'd definitely be doing some background checks before we went on a date!

Latest Cancer Update

After a CAT scan yesterday, my parents and I had a meeting with Dr. Nassir, my oncologist. Basically, my disease is stable. The tumor has not grown but also has not shrunk. The spots in my lungs have disappeared, but there is a question if they were actually cancerous in the first place, or just the result of the asthma I've had all my life. While the radiologist did not comment specifically on the spots in my liver or in my bone, the oncologist believes both are stable. Because I have cysts on my liver, it is hard to get a true reading of the spots; but after some additional consultation with the radiologist, I was advised the spots are still visible, but stable.

So, things are stable, which is a good thing. The next step in treatment will be to modify the protocol so that I don't get so sick, and move me from an active, full time treatment to more of a maintenance regime. We are looking at another six cycles of chemo, or about three months. Hopefully by that time most of what I need can be accomplished either by shots self administered and by pills. Ideally I would be looking to go back to work in the fall, or, at least that is what we are all shooting for.

We had a very good meeting. I feel like we are all on the same page, and that we have the same goals, which are to continue treatment with as little side effects as possible and move toward a maintenance program at the end of the six cycles.

Perspective

There is an article in this week's LA Weekly about a street kid named Raven. She was found strangled, her body dumped in an alley in the back of a Hollywood mini-mall, wrapped in a cheap bedcover stolen from a one-hour motel not far away. She was fifteen years old. Her alleged murderer, a convicted sex offender who had been out of state prison less then a week, is now on trial in Downtown L.A. criminal court.

No matter how bad chemo is, my life is far better then anything Raven or the others like her will ever experience. I need to remember that compared to most people my life is cupcakes.

Thursday PM Update - This &*%king Sucks!!!

I am sick. This is the worst reaction that I have had to chemo so far and I am NOT pleased, nor happy. The doctor plans to make additional adjustments so hopefully this does not occur again. There really isn't that much else to say at this point.

Tuesday PM Update

This round of chemo was the hardest so far. I was sick before I left the doctor's office and was vomiting pretty much regularly all night. I got into bed at around 3pm and didn't get out of bed until around 4 the next morning. The oncologist is concerned. He has already made some adjustments in my chemo protocol and will make additional adjustments, all in the hopes of preventing me from being sick. I have a CAT scan scheduled for Monday...

Sunday Update

I start chemotherapy treatment again tomorrow morning. I can't say I am looking forward to it after five weeks of going without it. However, since the oncologist lowered some of the protocol I might not react as badly. We'll see.

What I would like to believe is that tomorrow is the beginning of the end; that the marker tests and scans will show a marked improvement in my condition; and that I can begin to consider resuming normal life once again. That is my hope and wish, anyway. I have come down completely from the high of last weekend, but last weekend also made me realize the possibilities life holds for me once my treatment is finished. I am going to try to hold on to that goal and vision as I go forward.

Saturday Night Update

Went out and saw "Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" today. It didn't knock me out. I'm kind of shocked to say this, but I think the second "National Treasure" movie compares favorably... there were some nice moments, some decent laugh-out-loud moments, but far too few for a $12 film... I am disapointed. Sorry, Steven, George, Harrison and Frank, I wish I could give you a better review, but you did get my cash, along with ArcLight, so you'll have to be satisfied with that.

Friday Update

As some of you might know today is the anniversary of my stepmother's death from cancer. I won't pretend that she and I were particularly close, however her fight against cancer inspires me to also fight. She meant a lot to my father and family, who I love very much. I wish that there would be something I could do to ease the pain for them today, but there isn't. I hope she is in a better place and at peace.

"Let me tell you the truth. What is, IS. And what should be is fantasy, a terrible lie; which was given to the people long ago."

Lenny Bruce

Tuesday Update

As I readjust to being home and come down off of the high of the past weekend, I have begun to fear that the transformation I spoke about in my last post may be harder to sustain then I believed.

I am once again back at home, alone, going through my daily routine. After a weekend with such emotional highs for me it has been hard to be by myself and once again face the fact that next Monday I will start chemo again.

I have felt sad and lonely today, longing for the emotional connections that I received this weekend on a regular basis. I realize that I still have a long way to go before I achieve many of my goals. I still tend to isolate myself out of habit and what came so naturally to me over the weekend has become more difficult as I returned to my familiar environment.

This is a hard post for me to write. I started to write this in the morning and couldn't finish. I find myself censoring my words and not wanting to share with you my deep sadness at being alone again when I really am longing for some sort of partner in my life.

I never used to feel lonely; I prefered being by myself. Obviously something has happened to me that now moves me to want and crave connections with people in a new way. It is a hard thing to understand; I am observing myself and my life motivations change and it is both scary and wonderful.

Post Wedding Update

I just got back from my brother David's wedding. Many of you who read this blog on a regular basis were there so you know what an extraordinary event it was. For me, it was a transformational experience. Some of you know my struggles with Aspergers Syndrome and my desire to fit in socially. This weekend, I felt for the first time truly free to be who I am with no fear of being rejected. I saw myself talking and being socially involved totally and completely in a way and in a context that was new and wonderful. I can't really put it into words for people who do not have AS or struggle socially. But for me, I feel like I grew up - I've become a real adult with the possibility of having real, honest, social relationships. I am sure it's hard to relate to what I am saying. Those of you who know me well will understand.

To all of the new friends I met who might be reading this blog for the first time, it was a real pleasure to connect with you and I hope to continue to get to know you. To those friends and family who I saw again, what a wonderful time I had with all of you celebrating Maggie and David's new life together. The memories I have will last for a long time.

Back to the subject at hand - cancer and my recovery from it. Although I did some things I shouldn't have, such as dance way too much, overall I wasn't in pain, and when I was in pain I recovered quickly. If I was measuring my progress by lack of pain on a regular basis, I would have come very far. Before I left, the oncologist informed me that overall things look good and that the recent marker tests show good progress. I'll begin chemo again next Monday with a reduced chemical protocol which should make me less sick (knock on wood). At some point in the next few weeks I'll go in to have some MRI and CAT Scans done to see where we are, and my treatment will be adjusted accordingly. I am thinking positively and I know all of you are.

Although the trip was great, it's really nice to be home and be able to sleep in my own bed again, have regular cell phone and internet access, and watch tv : )